If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
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I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
twitter is a journey
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*