“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
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[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
I’m crying im so happy for them
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break