dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
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“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”