Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
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What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
I’m dying louder than usual today.
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.