NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
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“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
Overindulged this afternoon.
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.