I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
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In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
Only Americans understand
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.