“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
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[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
mom had nothing to worry about
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.