Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
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[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
Reporter: *ports again*
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.