People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
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I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
Never forget.
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.