Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
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In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn鈥檛 think I鈥檇 sit on the baby correctly
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You鈥檙e welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 馃槼
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it鈥檚 not my blood
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where鈥檚 that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there鈥檚 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
Me: It鈥檚 time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???