Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
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A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
me and my fake scenarios
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!