I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
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commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.