ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
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me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.