I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
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spicy snake
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house