Unsolicited sandwich pics.
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I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
Breaking news:
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand