BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
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director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
*looks at you in batman voice*
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
Sing it!
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext