Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
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This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.