Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
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Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not