me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
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[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild