Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
You Might Also Like
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
Thanks to a fan for this one.
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.