dogs can find happiness so easily
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I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
I only eat vegetarians.
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.