Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
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Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
I just checked Web MD and I have everything
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.