Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
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stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
I came this close!!!!
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*