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age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?