My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
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Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
this is the best interaction on twitter
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
Every time my phone rings
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.