I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
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With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.