Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
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Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.