The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
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How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Cow it started Cow it’s going
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.