[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
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I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
The best shot in the history of golf
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first