I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
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Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…