even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
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Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart