Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
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You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
this… may be the greatest story ever told
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them