Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
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*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg