[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
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me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix