Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
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me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.