I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
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Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does