Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
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What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”