Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
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My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
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Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
Every haunted house movie:
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.