me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
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Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato