Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
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I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you