This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
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The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight