9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
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For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
Is fake venison called venisn’t
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
😅🤣😂
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.