World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
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drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
this is uni
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.