November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
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I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
I get distracted pretty eas
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
me: my friends:
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/