I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
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Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
2 years later
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end