How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
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Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
Wednesday
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?