-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
You Might Also Like
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
Spell check is for lasers.
Mistakes were made
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.