realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
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[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
But it’s not the “worst way” either…