Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
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“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.