Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
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if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
how to have fun when you’re poor
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
thanks auntie mary
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!